Miscarriage is hard nomatter how far along you are......

My husband and I had been trying to concieve baby number 2 for a few months when in april of 2013 we were so excited to find out that we were pregnant. I couldn't help but feel like something might be wrong from the moment we saw that positive sign on the prego test. I scheduled my first appointment with my Dr and had an ultrasound done. We couldn't hear a heartbeat but could see that there was indead a baby growing, and I was only measuring around 4 weeks so the doc told me not to be concerned, it was to early to hear a heartbeat. I still couldn't shake that feeling like something was wrong but tried to tell myself I was just being paranoid.  I went in 2 weeks later for another ultra sound. I was only measuring at 5 1/2 weeks, still to early to hear a heartbeat. The doc told me not to get to concerned yet, since I wasn't positive on when my last period was we could have calculated how far along I was wrong.

My next appt. was 1 week later, and I made Keegan go with me just in case my feelings were correct and something was wrong.  I didn't want to be there alone especially with Rome since we couldn't get a babysitter. We get there and the ultrasonic tech gets everything set and all I hear is, Silence!!!! Still no heartbeat. I was still only measuring at 5 1/2 weeks. My heart sank. I knew, the baby was gone. She started to ask me if I had been cramping or bleeding, which I hadn't. She said she needed to show  it to the dr and see what she wanted to do next and left the room. Then Keegan had to leave to go to work because he was already running behind. Of course, as soon as he left Rome starts freaking out cuz he wants to leave with daddy. There I am trying to calm down Rome while trying not to break down and cry myself. After a few minutes the nurse took me in another room to talk with my dr. She confirmed that the baby did stop growing at 5 1/2 weeks and began discussing options on whether I wanted to do a D and C or see if my body would pass it on its own. I quickly decided I wanted to wait and let my body do it on its own.  She then started to explain what a miscarriage would be like, what I'd see and feel. After about 10 min of her talking I couldn't hold it in anymore, I broke down in tears. After we were done I gathered myself long enough to get some blood work done and walk to my car, then I lost it again. Thank goodness Rome fell asleep within minutes and stayed asleep when I brought him in and laid him down. I layed on the couch for the next hour and cried till my head was pounding and there were no tears left.

The worst part about it was walking around for weeks waiting for my body to do what it needed to do to pass the baby. Everyday I would wake up wondering if today was the day. I found myself in limbo just waiting for it to happen. I was afraid to go anywhere in fear that it would happen while I was out. There were days were I felt tortured, I needed it to be over with so I could have closure and
move on. Finally after 3 weeks my doctor gave me a pill to help me pass the baby. Of course before taking it I asked to have one more ultrasound just to make sure. It showed that the sac had already started to break down. When I went to pick up my prescription from the pharmacy, the pharmacist asked, so are you taking this to terminate a pregnancy. It was so painful to hear that question. I said no, I already lost the baby and this is to help my body pass it. I think she could tell that I was hurt by this question. She said Oh I'm sorry I just wanted to make sure because some people take this to pass kidney stones and I wanted to make sure in case you were pregnant.  Had myself a good cry when I got back in my car.

 5 weeks later and still no miscarriage, I decided I couldn't sit around anymore waiting for it to happen. I decided to go on a cabin trip to beaver ut with my family and when I got back I would tell my Dr. that I couldn't take it anymore and that I wanted to get a D and C. On the ride up there my mom called a little concerned and said to be careful because the elevation might cause me to miscarry. Sure enough, right after we passed the cedar exit I begin to have horrible cramps and I could feel that I was bleeding. I turned to me sister who was in the passanger seat and said, I think I'm having a miscarriage. I glanced down to realize I was bleeding everywhere. My sister grabbed a towel to put under me. When she went to put the towel under me she said, oh my gosh Aubrey, I'm not trying to scare you, but there's a lot of blood, are you sure your not feeling light headed or anything? Besides the horrible cramping I felt ok. Plus, there wasn't much we could do right then, we were in the middle of nowhere.

Finally we reached Beaver and decided the best place to stop would be a park so I could use the bathroom and make sure the bleeding subsided and to make sure I didn't need to go to the hospital (My Dr. said I didn't need to go to the hospital unless I started hemorghing). I sat in the dirty public restroom on the toilet for around an hour on the phone with my mom waiting for the bleeding to slow down a bit so I could drive the rest of the way up the mountain to the cabin. It was awful!! I definitely should have listened to my dr when she told me it was best to stay close to home. When I felt like the bleeding had subsided enough I cleaned up the best I could with baby wipes and decided I felt ok with still heading up the mountain to the cabin.

I coudn't wait to get to the cabin and rest. I was tired, achy, emotional and done driving around. That entire night I was cramping so bad, it was the worst night of my life.  I wished I was at home where I could be more comfortable and rest and sleep in my own bed. I wished I could be alone so that I could cry and just let it all out and not feel like I had to put on a happy face. I think I only got 3 or 4 hours of sleep that night. I kept pacing back and forth in the kitchen, praying that it could all be over and I could get some sleep.  Finally the next morning I passed a golf ball size clump of tissue and blood (tmi sorry). I felt a rush of panic, like what is this. Then I felt relief and a feeling like it was finally over. After that I didn't have any more cramps, just light bleeding for a month or so. I was so relieved that it was finally over and I could find closure and move on with my life. The rest of the trip was ok, I just felt tired and achy. All the kids had a blast.

As soon as I got home from the cabin I went to work and kept busy planning Rome's 2nd birthday, which really helped me not focus on the miscarriage and being sad. I had people say to me that they were surprised how well I was handling it. I was surprised to at how good I felt emotionally. My body felt achy and not quite the same for months but I felt hopefull that I would get pregnant again soon. I had heard from my Dr. and a few friends that women sometimes get pregnant quickly after miscarraiges or after a D and C. Through this entire ordeal, although I felt sad about losing the baby, I also felt moments of peace and comfort, and that everything was gonna be ok once the miscarriage was over and I could move on . That hope and peace soon dwindled as month after month passed and my period came time and time again, the more time that past the more upset and frustrated I got. After a few months I found myself feeling so down and depressed. I never knew how bad losing a baby, followed by infertility would affect me. I found myself being drug down by negative thoughts. It brought on a lot of insecurities and questions.