For the past year Keegan and I have been trying to concieve baby #2. It has, by far, been the hardest trial of my life. After my miscarraige last year, I had a few really sad months that I really struggled. Now days I'm a lot more positive and have learned how to handle all the emotions and negative thoughts a lot better than I did in the past. Every now and then I still have one of those rough days, and yesterday was one of those days. I've learned that it helps to talk about it and get it out rather than keep it all bottled up inside until I explode. I also have found that sometimes when opening up to people I find myself feeling even more frustrated and misunderstood by there responses. Trust me, I get that most of them are trying to comfort me but the things they say just don't. I felt like writing it here would be the best way to get it all out and maybe I can help someone who's going through the same thing.
For the past week I've been super emotional, bloated, and my boobs have been hurting. I know some women have these symptoms when they are about to start there period, but I never have in the past. The only time my boobs have been sensitive was when I was pregnant. By the end of the week I started to get my hopes up that I was finally pregnant, and I let myself get excited at the thought of finally being pregnant again. Also, at the beginning of the week I spotted for about 2 hours, which I did shortly before finding out I was pregnant with Rome and with the baby I miscarried. I wake up Saturday morning to find good ole Mother Nature has made her monthly visit, sigh!! I was crushed and so angry with myself for letting me get my hopes up. Then comes those old negative and angry thoughts I let consume my mind a few months back. I decided now would be a good time to go on a run and get out all the frustration I was feeling.
The start of my run was rough. I had to work through all those crappy thoughts like, why, why is this happening? Why am I not able to get pregnant when some women get pregnant so easily? Faces go through my mind of mothers who must be better and more loved and more trusted than me, right, because they have 5 kids in 5 years, and they seam to have it all together and be so patient and loving? Does God not trust me? Am I not a good mother? Am I not a good person? Am I not as lovable? The feeling of loneliness, like I have to go through this alone and there's no words that can fix this. Im learning to tell the bully(satan) in my head to shut up and replace these negative thoughts with positive ones. I try to go through the list of all the blessings, which when I think about goes on and on and on. There is so much to be greatful for when you learn to not dwell on the one or two things that you feel are going wrong.
By the end of my run I was feeling a bit better. I always get a dang good run in when I'm working through ish. Whenever I would plan to take a pregnancy test I would make sure to take it right before a workout, that way when it said negative I could take all my anger and frustration out on my workout. Thee one and only good thing about seeing that stupid negative sign. Anyways, after I got home from my run and showered I was relaxing for a few on my couch and out of boredom decided to check darn Facebook. I should know better than to check Facebook on days like these, it usually makes it worse. Post after post of baby news, cute belly pics, complaints about pregnancy etc. I have nothing against any of these women or there posts. There's nothing wrong with posting about your excitement and plans for yours babies. If I were in there shoes, I would be posting the same stuff I'm sure. It's hard for me to explain. I'm happy for them and sad and jealous all at the same time. I wish I were going through the awful nausea and the discomfort of pregnancy. I wished I could feel the excitement and anticipation of finding out what the sex will be or hearing that beautiful, strong heartbeat, or feeling those kicks and punches in my tummy. The good and bad, I want to experience it all again so bad.
I couldn't take sitting around all day throwing myself a pity party.Rome was down for a nap and keegan just left for work so I tried to shut it all out of my mind and finish getting ready for the day. As I'm blow drying my hair I just feel so tired of fighting jealousy, sadness and trying to be patient. I've learned that on days like this when I feel overwhelmed with all these feelings the best thing to do is to get down on my knees and pray. I put my blow dryer down and got down on my knees and began to pray and immediately started sobbing. In the past I would always pray for Heavenly Father to bless us with another child when the time was right. Well, obviously it is not the right time because it hasn't happened yet. I've had to learn to have more trust in my Heavenly Father and his plan for me. I know that he knows what's right for me even more than I do. I know that He knows what I want and I have faith that it will happen if and when the time is right. This time I didn't pray for a child, but for comfort and strength to help me through this. I asked to have good thoughts and to not be consumed with jealousy and anger. I needed to know that I was loved, I needed to feel loved. I didn't say much other than that, I mostly just had myself I good cry. It felt good to get it out and I felt like ok I can make it through the day.
After I was done getting ready I got Rome up from his nap we ate lunch and played superhero lol. My mom called and said she and her husband were in town and came over to visit for a bit. It was nice to visit and Rome was loving all the attention he was getting. Once they left I decided I didn't feel like sitting at home so I called Keegan at work and asked him if we could come meet him for dinner. It was so good to visit with him and Rome was loving his cool cop gear and sitting in his cop car. I loved sitting across the table from them and watching them interact, there relationship is the cutest. When we were done eating the waitress told us that somebody had paid for our meal. It was such a nice surprise and reminded me that there are good people out there. Whoever that kind stranger was had no idea what I was struggling with that day and how much their kindness meant to me. I wished I could tell them thank you and how appreciative I was for there kindness. As we walked out to our car I couldn't help but think about the kind act that was just shown to us and that it was an answer to my prayer earlier and it was gods way of telling me through a stranger that he loved me and was mindful of me.
After we said goodbye to daddy, Rome was so upset so I decided to stop by the store on the way home and grab a little treat. On our way out we passed those machines with bouncy balls and candy and like he always does, Rome asks to have something from them and like I always do I told him no and that we already got a treat. I'm about to reach my car when behind me I hear a women's voice saying, excuse me miss. I turn around to see a lady we saw standing by the candy machines in the store running towards me. I thought I must have dropped something. I didn't drop anything, in her hand was a bouncy ball from one of the machines. She holds it out to me and says I hope you don't mind I bought this for your son I saw he wanted something. I let Rome grab it and told her thank you and that was very kind of her to do for him. She looks at me and says, god bless you I hope you have a goodnight. What a nice thing for her to do. I have never gone out of my way to do something like that for a complete stranger.
It turned out to be a really good day. I learned that there are some really good people out there who reach out and serve others not for praise or recognition or for something in return but because they are just kind hearted people. I decided that night that I wanted to strive to be one of those people. To speak kinder, give more compliments and to serve and show kindness to others more often. You never know what battle someone is facing or what they are going through. They may have a smile on there face but that doesn't mean there heart isn't breaking. Maybe your act of kindness could really turn there bad day around. The 40 dollar meal or the 50 cent bouncy ball may of not fixed my infertility but it sure helped me feel loved and reminded me that our Heavenly Father is mindful of us and cares about us and our happiness.