My beautiful blessings!

My beautiful blessings!

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Not pregnant and the kindness of strangers

For the past year Keegan and I have been trying to concieve baby #2. It has, by far, been the hardest trial of my life. After my miscarraige last year, I had a few really sad months that I really struggled. Now days I'm a lot more positive and have learned how to handle all the emotions and negative thoughts a lot better than I did in the past. Every now and then I still have one of those rough days, and yesterday was one of those days. I've learned that it helps to talk about it and get it out rather than keep it all bottled up inside until I explode. I also have found that sometimes when opening up to people I find myself feeling even more frustrated and misunderstood by there responses. Trust me, I get that most of them are trying to comfort me but the things they say just don't. I felt like writing it here would be the best way to get it all out and maybe I can help someone who's going through the same thing. 

For the past week I've been super emotional, bloated, and my boobs have been hurting. I know some women have these symptoms when they are about to start there period, but I never have in the past. The only time my boobs have been sensitive was when I was pregnant. By the end of the week I started to get my hopes up that I was finally pregnant, and I let myself get excited at the thought of finally being pregnant again.  Also, at the beginning of the week I spotted for about 2 hours, which I did shortly before finding out I was pregnant with Rome and with the baby I miscarried. I wake up Saturday morning to find good ole Mother Nature has made her monthly visit, sigh!! I was crushed and so angry with myself for letting me get my hopes up. Then comes those old negative and angry thoughts I let consume my mind a few months back. I decided now would be a good time to go on a run and get out all the frustration I was feeling. 

The start of my run was rough. I had to work through all those crappy thoughts like, why, why is this happening? Why am I not able to get pregnant when some women get pregnant so easily?  Faces go through my mind of mothers who must be better and more loved and more trusted than me, right, because they have 5 kids in 5 years, and they seam to have it all together and be so patient and loving? Does God not trust me? Am I not a good mother?  Am I not a good person? Am I not as lovable? The feeling of loneliness, like I have to go through this alone and  there's no words that can fix this.  Im learning to tell the bully(satan) in my head to shut up and replace these negative thoughts with positive ones.  I try to go through the list of all the blessings, which when I think about goes on and on and on. There is so much to be greatful for when you learn to not dwell on the one or two things that you feel are going wrong. 

By the end of my run I was feeling a bit better. I always get a dang good run in when I'm working through ish. Whenever I would plan to take a pregnancy test I would make sure to take it right before a workout, that way when it said negative I could take all my anger and frustration out on my workout. Thee one and only good thing about seeing that stupid negative sign. Anyways, after I got home from my run and showered I was relaxing for a few on my couch and out of boredom decided to check darn Facebook. I should know better than to check Facebook on days like these, it usually makes it worse.  Post after post of baby news, cute belly pics, complaints about pregnancy etc. I have nothing against any of these women or there posts. There's nothing wrong with posting about your excitement and plans for yours babies. If I were in there shoes, I would be posting the same stuff I'm sure. It's hard for me to explain. I'm happy for them and sad and jealous all at the same time. I wish I were going through the awful nausea and the discomfort of pregnancy. I wished I could feel the excitement and anticipation of finding out what the sex will be or hearing that beautiful, strong heartbeat, or feeling those kicks and punches in my tummy.  The good and bad, I want to experience it all again so bad. 

I couldn't take sitting around all day throwing myself a pity party.Rome was down for a nap and keegan just left for work so I tried to shut it all out of my mind and finish getting ready for the day. As I'm blow drying my hair I just feel so tired of fighting jealousy, sadness and trying to be patient. I've learned that on days like this when I feel overwhelmed with all these feelings the best thing to do is to get down on my knees and pray. I put my blow dryer down and got down on my knees and began to pray and immediately started sobbing. In the past I would always pray for Heavenly Father to bless us with another child when the time was right. Well, obviously it is not the right time because it hasn't happened yet. I've had to learn to have more trust in my Heavenly Father and his plan for me. I know that he knows what's right for me even more than I do. I know that He knows what I want and I have faith that it will happen if and when the time is right. This time I didn't pray for a child, but for comfort and strength to help me through this. I asked to have good thoughts and to not be consumed with jealousy and anger. I needed to know that I was loved, I needed to feel loved. I didn't say much other than that, I mostly just had myself I good cry. It felt good to get it out and I felt like ok I can make it through the day. 

After I was done getting ready I got Rome up from his nap we ate lunch and played superhero lol. My mom called and said she and her husband were in town and came over to visit for a bit. It was nice to visit and Rome was loving all the attention he was getting. Once they left I decided I didn't feel like sitting at home so I called Keegan at work and asked him if we could come meet him for dinner. It was so good to visit with him and Rome was loving his cool cop gear and sitting in his cop car. I loved sitting across the table from them and watching them interact, there relationship is the cutest. When we were done eating the waitress told us that somebody had paid for our meal. It was such a nice surprise and reminded me that there are good people out there. Whoever that kind stranger was had no idea what I was struggling with that day and how much their kindness meant to me. I wished I could tell them thank you and how appreciative I was for there kindness. As we walked out to our car  I couldn't help but think about the kind act that was just shown to us and that it was an answer to my prayer earlier and it was gods way of telling me through a stranger that he loved me and was mindful of me. 

After we said goodbye to daddy, Rome was so upset so I decided to stop by the store on the way home and grab a little treat. On our way out we passed those machines with bouncy balls and candy and like he always does, Rome asks to have something from them and like I always do I told him no and that we already got a treat. I'm about to reach my car when behind me I hear a women's voice saying, excuse me miss. I turn around to see a lady we saw standing by the candy machines in the store running towards me. I thought I must have dropped something. I didn't drop anything, in her hand was a bouncy ball from one of the machines. She holds it out to me and says I hope you don't mind I bought this for your son I saw he wanted something. I let Rome grab it and told her thank you and that was very kind of her to do for him. She looks at me and says, god bless you I hope you have a goodnight. What a nice thing for her to do. I have never gone out of my way to do something like that for a complete stranger.  

It turned out to be a really good day. I learned that there are some really good people out there who reach out and serve others not for praise or recognition or for something in return but because they are just kind hearted people. I decided that night that I wanted to strive to be one of those people. To speak kinder, give more compliments and to serve and show kindness to others more often. You never know what battle someone is facing or what they are going through. They may have a smile on there face but that doesn't mean there heart isn't breaking. Maybe your act of kindness could really turn there bad day around. The 40 dollar meal or the 50 cent bouncy ball may of not fixed my infertility but it sure helped me feel loved and reminded me that our Heavenly Father is mindful of us and cares about us and our happiness. 

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Miscarriage is hard nomatter how far along you are......

My husband and I had been trying to concieve baby number 2 for a few months when in april of 2013 we were so excited to find out that we were pregnant. I couldn't help but feel like something might be wrong from the moment we saw that positive sign on the prego test. I scheduled my first appointment with my Dr and had an ultrasound done. We couldn't hear a heartbeat but could see that there was indead a baby growing, and I was only measuring around 4 weeks so the doc told me not to be concerned, it was to early to hear a heartbeat. I still couldn't shake that feeling like something was wrong but tried to tell myself I was just being paranoid.  I went in 2 weeks later for another ultra sound. I was only measuring at 5 1/2 weeks, still to early to hear a heartbeat. The doc told me not to get to concerned yet, since I wasn't positive on when my last period was we could have calculated how far along I was wrong.

My next appt. was 1 week later, and I made Keegan go with me just in case my feelings were correct and something was wrong.  I didn't want to be there alone especially with Rome since we couldn't get a babysitter. We get there and the ultrasonic tech gets everything set and all I hear is, Silence!!!! Still no heartbeat. I was still only measuring at 5 1/2 weeks. My heart sank. I knew, the baby was gone. She started to ask me if I had been cramping or bleeding, which I hadn't. She said she needed to show  it to the dr and see what she wanted to do next and left the room. Then Keegan had to leave to go to work because he was already running behind. Of course, as soon as he left Rome starts freaking out cuz he wants to leave with daddy. There I am trying to calm down Rome while trying not to break down and cry myself. After a few minutes the nurse took me in another room to talk with my dr. She confirmed that the baby did stop growing at 5 1/2 weeks and began discussing options on whether I wanted to do a D and C or see if my body would pass it on its own. I quickly decided I wanted to wait and let my body do it on its own.  She then started to explain what a miscarriage would be like, what I'd see and feel. After about 10 min of her talking I couldn't hold it in anymore, I broke down in tears. After we were done I gathered myself long enough to get some blood work done and walk to my car, then I lost it again. Thank goodness Rome fell asleep within minutes and stayed asleep when I brought him in and laid him down. I layed on the couch for the next hour and cried till my head was pounding and there were no tears left.

The worst part about it was walking around for weeks waiting for my body to do what it needed to do to pass the baby. Everyday I would wake up wondering if today was the day. I found myself in limbo just waiting for it to happen. I was afraid to go anywhere in fear that it would happen while I was out. There were days were I felt tortured, I needed it to be over with so I could have closure and
move on. Finally after 3 weeks my doctor gave me a pill to help me pass the baby. Of course before taking it I asked to have one more ultrasound just to make sure. It showed that the sac had already started to break down. When I went to pick up my prescription from the pharmacy, the pharmacist asked, so are you taking this to terminate a pregnancy. It was so painful to hear that question. I said no, I already lost the baby and this is to help my body pass it. I think she could tell that I was hurt by this question. She said Oh I'm sorry I just wanted to make sure because some people take this to pass kidney stones and I wanted to make sure in case you were pregnant.  Had myself a good cry when I got back in my car.

 5 weeks later and still no miscarriage, I decided I couldn't sit around anymore waiting for it to happen. I decided to go on a cabin trip to beaver ut with my family and when I got back I would tell my Dr. that I couldn't take it anymore and that I wanted to get a D and C. On the ride up there my mom called a little concerned and said to be careful because the elevation might cause me to miscarry. Sure enough, right after we passed the cedar exit I begin to have horrible cramps and I could feel that I was bleeding. I turned to me sister who was in the passanger seat and said, I think I'm having a miscarriage. I glanced down to realize I was bleeding everywhere. My sister grabbed a towel to put under me. When she went to put the towel under me she said, oh my gosh Aubrey, I'm not trying to scare you, but there's a lot of blood, are you sure your not feeling light headed or anything? Besides the horrible cramping I felt ok. Plus, there wasn't much we could do right then, we were in the middle of nowhere.

Finally we reached Beaver and decided the best place to stop would be a park so I could use the bathroom and make sure the bleeding subsided and to make sure I didn't need to go to the hospital (My Dr. said I didn't need to go to the hospital unless I started hemorghing). I sat in the dirty public restroom on the toilet for around an hour on the phone with my mom waiting for the bleeding to slow down a bit so I could drive the rest of the way up the mountain to the cabin. It was awful!! I definitely should have listened to my dr when she told me it was best to stay close to home. When I felt like the bleeding had subsided enough I cleaned up the best I could with baby wipes and decided I felt ok with still heading up the mountain to the cabin.

I coudn't wait to get to the cabin and rest. I was tired, achy, emotional and done driving around. That entire night I was cramping so bad, it was the worst night of my life.  I wished I was at home where I could be more comfortable and rest and sleep in my own bed. I wished I could be alone so that I could cry and just let it all out and not feel like I had to put on a happy face. I think I only got 3 or 4 hours of sleep that night. I kept pacing back and forth in the kitchen, praying that it could all be over and I could get some sleep.  Finally the next morning I passed a golf ball size clump of tissue and blood (tmi sorry). I felt a rush of panic, like what is this. Then I felt relief and a feeling like it was finally over. After that I didn't have any more cramps, just light bleeding for a month or so. I was so relieved that it was finally over and I could find closure and move on with my life. The rest of the trip was ok, I just felt tired and achy. All the kids had a blast.

As soon as I got home from the cabin I went to work and kept busy planning Rome's 2nd birthday, which really helped me not focus on the miscarriage and being sad. I had people say to me that they were surprised how well I was handling it. I was surprised to at how good I felt emotionally. My body felt achy and not quite the same for months but I felt hopefull that I would get pregnant again soon. I had heard from my Dr. and a few friends that women sometimes get pregnant quickly after miscarraiges or after a D and C. Through this entire ordeal, although I felt sad about losing the baby, I also felt moments of peace and comfort, and that everything was gonna be ok once the miscarriage was over and I could move on . That hope and peace soon dwindled as month after month passed and my period came time and time again, the more time that past the more upset and frustrated I got. After a few months I found myself feeling so down and depressed. I never knew how bad losing a baby, followed by infertility would affect me. I found myself being drug down by negative thoughts. It brought on a lot of insecurities and questions.