The days leading up to my first appointment with the fertility specialist I got in a little bit of a funk. I was just kinda feeling tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of trying to be patient. Tired of "trying" without success. Tired of taking those stupid ovulation tests and seeing that I wasn't ovulating. Tired of watching everyone around me get pregnant. I'm happy for every single one of them, I really am. I would never want to make them feel bad about it because having a child is such a wonderful blessing that should be celebrated. Nobody should feel bad about that not even around me. I'm happy for them, sad for me. Some days it just feels like it's never going to happen for us. I was holding on to hope that the fertility Dr. would be able to help us. I began feeling very discouraged when I kept hearing how expensive fertility treatments can be. My sister told me when she went they told her it was going to be around 7,000. That is just to diagnose if something is wrong, that doesn't include the actually treatment, YIKES! When I heard that I felt so helpless and just wanted to give up and not go because there was no way we could afford that right now. That would be more waiting till we saved.
The night before my appointment I was feeling so nervous, scared and stressed! Kept thinking what if we couldn't afford it, what would we do next. I had myself a good cry, stayed up till 3am eating every bad thing I could find in my kitchen till I felt disgusting (can you say emotional eater lol) and watched One Tree Hill on netflix till I fell asleep. The next morning before my appointment I called my insurance just to see if they could give me an idea of what I might have to pay. All they could tell me was I would need to pay my $500 deductible and they would cover 85% of the testing and I would be responsible for 15%. I thought it's not gonna hurt to go to the consult and see and if it's to expensive for us right now we will go from there. If I don't go I will never know.
I am not gonna let fear win.
If you can't tell I am such a worry wart. I swear most of my anxiety is because I worry to much about the future instead of just living in the moment and taking one day at a time. This is definitely one thing (among many other things) I am learning through this little bump in the road. Trust, have faith and live in the moment. Stop worrying about what I fear might or might not happen.
I'll never forget my first appointment, NEVER!
Keegan had to work and I didn't want to worry about getting a babysitter so I just brought Rome along. I was kinda worried to bring him because I didn't want to make any of the women in the waiting room feel sad when they saw him. Your sitting in a fertility center with your heart aching wanting to have a kid so bad and a kid walks in. I don't know, I was probably over thinking it now that I look back on it. Rome was being super hyper and trying to climb over all the chairs and rearrange the pillows on one of the couches but I was so glad he was there. He is a great reminder that miracles do happen and I'm so lucky he's mine.
As we waited in the waiting room I couldn't help but notice all the other women and couples and a few husbands waiting for there wives. I felt sad for each and every one of them. I'm sure so many of them have had a lot longer and more difficult journey than I have. I wished I could give them a hug and tell them I knew how they felt and that they aren't alone. I don't know about anyone else, but I feel an instant connection to women who are struggling with infertility. I know they know exactly what I'm going through. The silent loss, the confusion, the frustration, just everything....I feel like I don't have to explain myself to them and how I feel, they just know. I don't have to explain to them how you can have this huge whole and ache in your heart but still be happy and grateful for what you have at the same time.
After about 20-30 min we were the only one's in the waiting room and I just let Rome run around since I didn't have to worry about bothering anyone. The wait was a bit long especially with a kid tagging along but I didn't mind. I hate waiting forever and then seeing the Dr. for 2 seconds and he is rushed and answering your questions before you finish asking them. But I don't mind waiting a long time if the Dr. takes his time with you and makes you feel valued and like he actually cares about what you are going through.
For the first time in a long time a Dr. made me feel valued!
As I walked into the consult room there sat an older gentlemen sitting behind a desk with a big ole smile on his face, "Hi, Aubrey come on in." He stood up and outstretched his hand to shake mine and said cheerfully, "So good to see you, I'm Dr. Shapiro, let's chat." I was taken back by how friendly and kind he was. I guess I have never had a Dr. who was like that so I really wasn't expecting it. All my nerves and fears were now gone and I felt completely at ease. He was so good at explaining everything so that I didn't feel overwhelmed. He confirmed what I already knew, I have a problem ovulating. He said that I probably only ovulate a few times per year and now we needed to do some tests to figure out why and how to treat it. We are gonna test a few other things as well, like Keegan will get blood work and a semen analysis then the rest of the tests will be on me. My favorite thing he said was, he will be shocked if he's not able to get me pregnant. Ha ha, never thought I would be so happy to hear another man say that to me lol. I loved how Dr. Shapiro actually listened when I talked and made me feel comfortable enough to ask questions. You can tell that he really cares about his patients! I no longer feel like I'm just gonna be waiting in limbo. I now have a plan to help me get pregnant.
I now have my hope back and that's a good feeling!!!
Now on to the part I feared the most. The COST! She sat the piece of paper down in front of me. Now the price on the left is what each test costs and the price on the right is what you will pay after insurance. A sigh of relieve. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. It was hard to listen to her list all the tests and when I needed to get them because my mind was racing with excitement. We can do it, we can it, we can do it! Ahhhhh! We can afford to do it right now. I was so grateful at that moment for my husbands job and our amazing insurance. I was all worried and stressed out for nothing. Then I couldn't help but feel sad for all the people who don't have insurance. I added the cost of everything when I got home. Without insurance it would cost around $8,500 and we will be paying around $1,500. And again, that is just for the testing to diagnose what is wrong. That's not including the actually treatment. How do people without insurance pay for it?!?! That piece of paper that gave me so much joy and relief might do the exact opposite for someone else. And that is just sad.....
I left feeling so giddy and couldn't wait to get started on everything. For the first time in a while I let myself get exciting again about getting pregnant. For a while I just tried not to get my hopes up so that I would not be so devastated when it didn't happen. But now I'm letting myself be hopeful again.
The next day we did our first set of tests! Keegan did labs(4vials of blood) and a semen analysis and I did labs ( 9 vials of blood) physical exam of breasts and pelvic and vaginal cultures. Keegan is all done with his tests, the rest will be on me. Coming up I have some more blood tests, GYN ultrasound, Sonohysterogram and a Hysterosalpingogram! I can't do the next tests till I start my period. Never been so excited for a period to come lol. I am so excited to be moving forward in this process. I am so giddy and happy about all these tests even the one's I've heard are super painful because it's one step closer to my miracle baby! Eeeeek!
Bring it on!!